Laugh or Cry? Hehe..

I love how I react differently to things than I would have in the past, now that I've lived in the most chaotic and unorderly place that the world has to offer (dare to challenge me on this?)

There are simply times in life when you just have to laugh, or else you end up in a puddle of tears on the floor. And where's the fun in THAT?

My friend and I are heading north for a trekking expedition, and yesterday we spend a good chunk of our lives getting plane tickets to make this possible. What was supposed to take 30 minutes ended up taking 5 1/2 hours. Story of my life...and anyone else who has ever spend 10 minutes in a third world country.

But while we were in the dirtiest little airline office that you can imagine (in a small way, it looked a bit like what I imagine Hell to look like), I found myself laughing at my surroundings. We'd been waiting for a good 3 hours, and in walks this cowboy straight out of Texas. He resemembled Willie Nelson with a slight haircut and 60 extra pounds. And a beard that would make any male in this country proud. His loud southern accent cut through the silence like a blade, and with one word all eyes were on him. I felt his pain. But stalky Willie took it in stride. Despite the fact that NO ONE could understand his accent, and that he had no photo ID,...AND that there were 50 people ahead of him in line, he managed to get his tickets and out of there in 10 minutes. Hats off to you cowboy...grrrrr. The girl sitting beside me loved American culture, so at least this sparked a converstation of whether or not cowboys STILL exist. I assured her they did, except that these days cowboys have to add gas prices to their other concerns.

Even the typical South Asian stare was making me laugh. That dead on stare, like there's no life flowing through the veins...just shock at the sight of a foreigner. I've heard that some people return home and suffer from something called "celebrity complex"--having a hard time not being stared at anymore. I guarantee you, this will not be the case with me! It's utterly ridiculous.

So I'm rambling...I'm actually procastinating in my packing. We'll be embarking on a week long trek of one of the most beautiful mountains this country has to offer...meeting people along the way. I'm SO excited. I've been planning and hoping for this opportunity my entire stay here, and God was so faithful to open the door unexpectantly. One lady told me that last time she did this trek, she couldn't walk for a week and all of her toenails fell off.

Bring it.

Don't Let Me Come Home A Stranger

lyrics by Fernando Ortega

Will there come a time when the memories fade
and pass on with the long long years
When the ties no longer bind
Lord, save me from this darkest fear

Don't let me come home a stranger
I couldn't stand to be a stranger
Lord, save me from this darkest fear
Don't let me come home a stranger

There are times when this fear is very real. When I think about coming home, I'm filled with mixed emotions...mostly positive. But then I dread the feelings of having this incredible experience that I won't have the ability to express to people the way I so wish I could. And one of the hardest things of being over here has been missing out on loved ones' experiences back at home. Experiences that have undoubtedly changed them. I do feel like a stranger at times.

But I was talking to my best friend in the world this morning (a.k.a. Miss Leah Lohse...truly one that this world is unworthy of, especially me.) In her wise words, she reassured me that I won't be a stranger, but I will be different. Different because throughout these past two years God has been molding me and ridding me of past junk (a shameful amount, folks...and still plenty left--trust me). But I was once again encouraged, because even though outwardly I truly am wasting away (thanks to this South Asian environment and the lack of beauty products available to make up for it) inwardly I being renewed and shaped and molded...and at times having my spiritual butt kicked. But its worth it.

Breakin'

I'm really excited and grateful...not only because I have high speed internet for the first time (in let's just say a LONG time), but also because I'm heading to Thailand for a couple weeks to get a nice break. I've got great plans to soak up some sun, get in some great morning runs, and drink some much-craved Starbucks coffee!

The past couple months have been nothing less than insanely awesome and busy--so much so that I find myself incredibly grateful that I've experienced and survived them!

Lately I've really been reflecting on my time here, and as it continues to draw to an end, I'm filled with mixed emotions. Certainly excitement for the next step in this crazy spontaneous life, and a restlessness to reunite with my loved ones. But I'm not naive to the fact that this place has found a very comfortable position in my heart, and it's just never going to leave...

You Know You've Been to the Village When...

You know you've been to the village when:

1. You take your ponytail down and your hair remains in the same position.
2. You're more familiar with a tree than with a western toilet (or squatty!)
3. Your chai intake is so great that it's oozing from your pores.
4. You've lose all touch with formal manners, and your fingers become
perfectly acceptable eating utensils.
5. Simple story: your scalp itches.
6. wet wipes are multi-purpose--toilet paper, facewash, shower...
7. You become one with nature, including rodents, spiders and mosquitos.
8. You can cook over a mud stove like you learned the skill in your mama's womb.
9. You embrace bed bugs as a fact of life.
10. You can't remember how to speak english.

I hahn foe teef puhed!!!

That's right folks, I had 4 teeth pulled...for the grand total of $300!!!! I made a last minute appointment for an examination, and afterwards the doctor was like, "So are you ready?" And I was like, "what, NOW?!?!?" You simply can't find this at home. I still can't get over the cheap benefits of living in the part of the world. A couple of weeks ago, I got new glasses for about $20. I didn't know what to expect, but I'm telling you-----QUAL-I-TY. I'm going to go into cardiac arrest when I get home and am reintroduced to the expense of things. I'm already trying to prepare myself!

So I saw the funniest thing while I was waiting for my friend in the Doctor's waiting room the other day. I was dozing off in a very comfortable oversized chair, when this teenage punk with oversized pants struts by, on his way out of the building. So I'm watching him walk towards the exit, thinking, "surely he realizes that that's a window--NOT a doorway." The word "STOP!" was on it's way out of my mouth when he runs smack dab into the window, full speed ahead. And left his facial imprint on the glass. Immediately he looked around to see who had seen, and immediately I closed my eyes pretending to be asleep. I can relate with the poor fellow..that type of behavior is right up my alley. But it kept me laughing for a few hours.

"I was afraid of you Julius. I only saw what I was afraid of. And now I know I was only hating my brother." -Remember the Titans

Carried to the Table.

Lyrics by Leeland

Fighting thoughts of fear, wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup? This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness the Savior called my name
In His holy presence I am healed and unashamed

As I'm carried to the table
Seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love

And I don't see my brokeness anymore
When I'm seated at the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table
The table of the Lord

If I had any skill whatsoever in the department of communication, this song would speak my heart loud and clear. It's never fun coming face to face with your personal junk and blackness (a.k.a. "sin") but is necessary in this divine cleansing process, I suppose.

But I love this song in it's full meaning, and I don't take the phrase "carried to the table" lightly, because I couldn't do it myself. I can't do it myself.

Perspective.

During my senior year of college, a dear friend of mine led me in a study of how a healthy fear of God cancels out the worldy-yet-consuming fears that we face everyday. I can't tell you how this has stuck with me over time, and has come to be a daily comfort during my time over here.

They creep in so quietly, before I can recognize them for what they are--these anxieties and fears that oftentimes reflect in the way I live. Concerns about the past, present and future (especially the future) swallow me up and spit me out, and threaten to consume me until I choose to claim them for what they are---junk in comparison to the peace that comes from a trust and respect for the Lord. I'm so thankful that He's brought me to this crazy place in life to show me the depths of His peace (I mean, really Lord? All the way over here? Ok.)

In the great scheme of things its easy to lose sight of WHO to fear, in WHOM to trust. But its become a daily prayer of mine that He'd wrap my pathetic&limited vision in His perspective, because honestly--there's no other way to live.

Unemployed Running Shoes.

Our treadmill finally kicked the bucket tonight. This is a sad, sad reality, since over the past year this sketchy machine has become my lone source of sanity in this place. I HATED treadmills coming to South Asia months ago, and have always been an outdoors kinda girl. But since that's obviously not an option here, I've embraced the technologically advanced route to excercise with open arms. My first mistake was to depend on anything that requires power in this part of the world.

So to take my patheticness to new heights...here I am blogging about my broken treadmill.

Stop talking already and try pilates .

Warmth.

Springtime has arrived in this place, and I feel myself renewed in more ways than one. My life is still about as uncertain as it was 6 months ago...in regards to how long I'll be in the place, how people will respond to me, or how well my body will choose to digest tonight's dinner. But God's brought me SO far this past year, that I feel such combination of emotions (in a GREAT way!) Relief, inspiration, gratitude, praise...all I have to say is PRAISE GOD that He saves us from who we used to be, and no matter how deep of a pit we may find ourselves in...there is ALWAYS a way out through HIM. He calls us not only to something better, but something life-giving. Goooooood stuff.

I just want to give a shout out to you guys who have been so encouraging to me during my time here. You know who you are, I know who you are and God knows who you are :) And God knows that I know (and hope YOU know) that I could not have made it in this place without your support (whew! I'm tired.) You've been a backbone to me during some rough days, to say the least, and a confirmation of God's unwavering call and love through many emails, cards, carepackages, and phone conversations (that have often started with tears of depression and ended with tears of laughter!)

I so richly love you guys, and all I can say is I am honored to walk through the crazy life with you.

kissy kissy.

 

Painting Pictures of Egypt

lyrics by Sara Groves

I don't want to leave here,I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching either way
And the places I long for the most are the places where I've been
They are calling out to me like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith, it's not about trust
It's all about comfortable when you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect but I'd found a way to live
And it wasn't milk or honey, but then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks
Because the future feels so hard and I wanna go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
And I was dying for some freedom, now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise and the things I know

I've been painting picures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks
Because the future feels so hard and I wanna go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned

 

Push

Lyrics by Sarah McLachlan

Everytime I look at You the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in Your affection
You see me at my weakest, but you take me as I am
When I fall You offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course, You hold the line, You keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, You save me You complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy, but You give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do, You're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle mode, You never turn to go

You stay the course, You hold the line, You keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, You save me You complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

There are times I can't decide, when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy, when otherwise I drown
But You pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
Sometimes that just what we need to make it through the day

You stay the course, You hold the line, You keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, You save me You complete me
You'e the one true thing I know I can believe...

The Amazing Race

If you've ever seen the reality show "The Amazing Race" then you will be able to understand exactly what my co-worker and I have dealt with in the past 24 hours. Being in another smelly airport--sleep deprived, and growing greasier by the millisecond, I don't know if I really have the energy to describe it in complete detail...

But hey, since i currently find myself sitting and waiting during another 8 hour layover...ooooo, I'm gonna.

So Che' and I were supposed to fly to Egypt yesterday. Somewhere between overestimating the efficiency of this country, and underestimating our own misfortune, we met disaster head on. We arrive at the airport only to be informed that our flight has been canceled, with NO notification. Not delayed, mind you, canceled. There's such finality and doom punched into that little word!

Long story short, we missed our connecting flight causing us to miss our train the next day to Luxor...causing us to earn another day in this country...yipppeeee!!!!

So we spent the next 3 hours in a cramped airline office with some very nice (yet not-so-nice-smelling) men helping us go through about 100 possible situations, all of which were full....yadayadayada...

Thinking we had finally found the solution...we arrived once again at the airport the next morning to learn that our new flight had been delayed due to bad weather...causing us to once again miss our connecting flight and later train...

The truth is, I've never laughed SO much in my life! It's just testimony to the craziness and uncertainty of this place. If one thing is for sure, it's that God is most definitely teaching me to roll with the punches!!!

But (enshahallah) you'll hear from me in a week with a full report on Mama Egypt and all her glory. In the meantime, word to wise...never travel without wetwipes!!!

Faithful...still.

I’ve run into a time of questioning God today, quite like a brick wall really.

A family lives next door who has seen more than their share of hard times in their lives. They originally lost their home two years ago, but have since been moving from job to job, surviving by whatever means they can muster up. We met them after their father found a job as a driver for a widow who lives on our street. For the last six months, all seven children, both parents, and their grandmother have all been living out of two small cement rooms---no heat, no life.

The children each have a unique twinkle in their eyes. And they make life colorful in whatever ways they can---you walk into their “home” and can’t help but smile at the pictures drawn on the walls by creative minds and hand-me-down crayons. And it never fails to blow me away, because one thing is for sure…if I were in their shoes, I would have one heck of a chip on my shoulder.

This week, they’ve found themselves between a rock and a hard spot. The father lost his job due to the fact that the family they work for is moving. The job that he had been guaranteed fell through and he was not informed until the day before his entire family was supposed to have all of their belongings, along with themselves, out of their place. In short, they were being kicked out, and had no place to go.

We went over there two nights ago, and the whole family (which they say we’re part of) gathered around as we prayed for them, and told them a story of God’s provision. We assured them with confidence that God would also provide for their family in this time of desperation.

We told them this, yet tonight we watched helplessly as they packed up their few belongings, and moved out of their home. They have no place to go except for their home in their village, which has no roof or floor. And it looks like rain tonight.

So how do I even say this? I know that God has the power to provide a job and a house for this family in the next five minutes if He chose to do so. I admit that I question why He doesn’t, especially when this could be such a powerful testimony to this family of His faithfulness, and result in them really coming to know Him.

I know better. I know better than to question Him like this, than to stray from my trust in His faithful character like this. It's just so hard when you want to see His power evident in life sometimes. I have no fancy words to express it, it's just the cold hard truth.

There are so many times here that I want to harden myself against the pain I see in this place. It would be so much easier….not to literally feel the pain of these people and own it—as if its me who has lost my children, or husband or home….or all. But I can’t do that, and the day I do is the day I should just go home.

So instead I feel it, I really feel it.

“wrap us up, warm us through, tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs. Let us slumber, safe from dangers with you this time. Or maybe not, not today. Maybe you’ve provided other ways. And if that’s the case…We’ll give thanks to you, with gratitude, a lesson learned to hunger after you. That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead…” -Nichole Nordeman

Text Affection

Boy oh boy, do these people just LOVE to send texts.

It’s a level of affection that I’m just beginning to grasp, even after a year of living here. I could have seen a friend 2 minutes before, and receive a text as if it’s both of our last day on earth! Drama drama….Among some of my favorites received are:

"I eat TV and watched food, I baked books and studied cakes, I switched off the bed and slept on the fan. This is how I get CRAZY when I MISS YOU..."

“Birth is the start of life, beauty is the art of life, love is the part of life, death is the last of life, but best friend is the heart of life.”

“When the sky looks blue, I miss you…when the dreams come true, I miss you….when the flowers are covered with dew, I miss you…when the day comes new, I miss you…”

“When you wake up in the dark, and the room is shaking, and the walls are covered with blood…just know that you are in my heart.”


Gee, I feel loved.

Grammar Slammer.

My grammar has gone down the toilet ( I initially spelled it g-r-a-m-m-e-r).

And not in a cute&sexy southern gal kind of way, but in a freakishly caught-in-between-two-worlds kind of way. The things I catch myself saying here really worry me sometimes. I'm already envisioning the looks I'll get when I head back to my small hometown and say things like "I'm going on holiday" or "You are looking so good" or "I'd like that in a shopper, please" (grocery bag) or "I need to buy some new joggers" (tennis shoes).

I'm going the be the freak who lived overseas for a while, I just know it...

Small Miracles.

There’s no such thing, really. Miracles are miracles. But I love when God does something seemingly small-scale and magnifies it to apply a larger life lesson to a larger life issue.

Case in point: Today I prepared to dive into my “to do” list, 99% of which involved the use of my computer. I sit down at my desk and pop open my laptop, only to be greeted by the dooming reality that my keyboard is failing to function properly….or at all. And for you smarty pants out there who are thinking, "uh, num lock moron."---I tried that.

… So ok….lets try again…..
…..nope…ok….again…
…uh…

**And in sets panick mode**

So I can’t even get past my stupid encryption program to get onto my computer, which does not make me a happy pappy. What would I do? My whole life is on my computer---my communication to family and friends a world away, not to mention my bank access and company email….

My poor roommates tried to comfort me, and even prayed for my computer, bless their hearts (even though my prayer was more like one big question: GOD, HOW COULD YOU LET THE HAPPEN TO ME???) But the truth is, this problem was only the tip of the ice burg of some much larger issues in my life. And believe me, when living on an emotional edge, when one thing goes wrong…it all goes wrong!

So I load up my handicapped computer and head off to the local computer store (quote unquote) like one big sour grape. Already I’ve calculated in my head how many times I’ll have to return to the store before they fix the problems they’ve caused by trying to fix the original problem, and how much money that I don’t have will be spent in the process.

Then God smacks the conviction on heavy—have I even sincerely taken the time to ask for His help? Have I relied on Him to fix this—really in the large scheme of things—rather insignificant problem? Nope (tail wag). So right then and there I asked forgiveness for my miserable failures to trust the One who holds all computers and lives in His awesomely sovereign hand.

Now I love this. Sometimes God speaks in different ways, but today He spoke in a way that I couldn’t miss. “Take out and turn on your computer,” He said. So I let out a sigh, and do just that….

Voila! Working computer.

Small miracle to some. HUGE to me. I continued on to squawk like dying chicken in attempt to tell my driver how great God is and how He has Cured my computer. The guy's nice enough....and pretended to understand my broken language. He probably assumed I'd mixed up my adjectives and verbs like every other day. But this chick didn't mind.

So long story short (er...not really...) I've had a wakeup call today to trust Him in things that I can't change anymore than a non-functioning keyboard. I can pound and scream and cry and pound again, but His Will is good stuff. and its certainly worth waiting for (especially if a miracle is in the outcome!)

Altogether, this is one of those posts that you will only “get” is something familiar has happened to you before. Otherwise I’ll surely sound like a rambling idiot, which is a definite possibility (for proof, see past blogs.)

Learning.

"God is easy to please and hard to satisfy." -C.S. Lewis

Learning from mistakes is such a painful process, eh?

(and relearning..and relearning..and relearning...)

No Comparison.

As it is now, I've got about nine more months before my time here comes to an end (for now, that is.) Some days feel like I'm at the starting line of a marathon, while others feel like I'm on the home stretch, and I'm urged to finish strong. I fear that there have been times that Apathy has crawled into my bed and cuddled, and I've allowed this. But God forbid the day that I look back on my time here and wish I had just given more...

I think more than anything else, God's really been teaching me of the unmeasurable understanding that He has for what we experience, because He pretty much has experienced and surpassed it Himself in every possible way. So here I sit whining about no electricity or being cold or being lonely...or missing last night's American Idol....and He's pretty smackin' it to me--"Child, I've been there. No comparison. I hung on a cross for you. I went through years of lonely ministry--years of being misunderstood, of being unloved by many, and carrying the world's burdens on my shoulders--for YOU." For us, so that we may have hope in our time of need. For that darkest hour, He's already provided.

So its pretty much one thing to sit and rant about these things on a blog, and its another thing to live it out during the good seasons and bad. I'm really trying to let this anchor me this year. To go the extra mile for Him who went the marathon for me.

On quite another note, I recently was blessed enough to visit the nearby country of nepal, where I conquered one of my greatest fears and bungee jumped off a steel suspension bridge over the Bhote Kosi river ( www.tlrnepal.com ). It was a 525 foot free fall--head first--which even the best imaginations will fail to comprehend. I had many valid fears, shallow among the deep....would my shirt fly up? Would i wet my britches? Oh yeah, and would I live to welcome the New Year? So I pretty much made a promise to myself that if I did make the jump, I would reserve the right to talk about it for the rest of my life...to old friends, to strangers in the grocery line...you name it. So here I am already fulfilling that promise--bear with me.

I also had the chance to fly over Everest (no, I didn't climb...but I touched it with my heart), and take an elephant safari through Chitwan National Park, and survived an adventure with a rinosaurous during a hike with friends! Good thing I'm a farm girl, I've got some tricks up my sleeves (note to others: always run zig zag when being chased my animals with peripheral vision).

love to you all. gosh, i miss you!