"I was afraid of you Julius. I only saw what I was afraid of. And now I know I was only hating my brother." -Remember the Titans

Carried to the Table.

Lyrics by Leeland

Fighting thoughts of fear, wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup? This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness the Savior called my name
In His holy presence I am healed and unashamed

As I'm carried to the table
Seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love

And I don't see my brokeness anymore
When I'm seated at the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table
The table of the Lord

If I had any skill whatsoever in the department of communication, this song would speak my heart loud and clear. It's never fun coming face to face with your personal junk and blackness (a.k.a. "sin") but is necessary in this divine cleansing process, I suppose.

But I love this song in it's full meaning, and I don't take the phrase "carried to the table" lightly, because I couldn't do it myself. I can't do it myself.

Perspective.

During my senior year of college, a dear friend of mine led me in a study of how a healthy fear of God cancels out the worldy-yet-consuming fears that we face everyday. I can't tell you how this has stuck with me over time, and has come to be a daily comfort during my time over here.

They creep in so quietly, before I can recognize them for what they are--these anxieties and fears that oftentimes reflect in the way I live. Concerns about the past, present and future (especially the future) swallow me up and spit me out, and threaten to consume me until I choose to claim them for what they are---junk in comparison to the peace that comes from a trust and respect for the Lord. I'm so thankful that He's brought me to this crazy place in life to show me the depths of His peace (I mean, really Lord? All the way over here? Ok.)

In the great scheme of things its easy to lose sight of WHO to fear, in WHOM to trust. But its become a daily prayer of mine that He'd wrap my pathetic&limited vision in His perspective, because honestly--there's no other way to live.

Unemployed Running Shoes.

Our treadmill finally kicked the bucket tonight. This is a sad, sad reality, since over the past year this sketchy machine has become my lone source of sanity in this place. I HATED treadmills coming to South Asia months ago, and have always been an outdoors kinda girl. But since that's obviously not an option here, I've embraced the technologically advanced route to excercise with open arms. My first mistake was to depend on anything that requires power in this part of the world.

So to take my patheticness to new heights...here I am blogging about my broken treadmill.

Stop talking already and try pilates .

Warmth.

Springtime has arrived in this place, and I feel myself renewed in more ways than one. My life is still about as uncertain as it was 6 months ago...in regards to how long I'll be in the place, how people will respond to me, or how well my body will choose to digest tonight's dinner. But God's brought me SO far this past year, that I feel such combination of emotions (in a GREAT way!) Relief, inspiration, gratitude, praise...all I have to say is PRAISE GOD that He saves us from who we used to be, and no matter how deep of a pit we may find ourselves in...there is ALWAYS a way out through HIM. He calls us not only to something better, but something life-giving. Goooooood stuff.

I just want to give a shout out to you guys who have been so encouraging to me during my time here. You know who you are, I know who you are and God knows who you are :) And God knows that I know (and hope YOU know) that I could not have made it in this place without your support (whew! I'm tired.) You've been a backbone to me during some rough days, to say the least, and a confirmation of God's unwavering call and love through many emails, cards, carepackages, and phone conversations (that have often started with tears of depression and ended with tears of laughter!)

I so richly love you guys, and all I can say is I am honored to walk through the crazy life with you.

kissy kissy.